Shoppercise And Your Sexy Tank Top Muscles

I should have wrote about football math on a Superball weekend. However, unable to even pretend to understand football, I decided to splurge time on an issue more close to my heart: the math of shopping exercise. Shopping and exercise are the only two extra-curricular activities (with my “curriculum” being work and family) that I occasionally allow myself to indulge in. Both of these activities need to be penciled in on our family calendar way in advance and clearly justified for my conscience to approve my required participation. Despite this privileged status, neither shopping nor exercising make me happy. Every time I manage to deliver myself to the gym, I am so bored I think I will fall asleep right on the stair master and dream of fun shopping experiences. Similarly, when driving back from every shopping expedition angry and tired, I regret not having gone exercising instead.

A peculiar fact is that these activities are quite opposite in their mood-controlling effects. Shopping is full of promise, the fantasy of expectations, joy, and optimism on the way to the mall. It often turns into regret, frustration and self-hatred on the way out. You either spend too much or don't spend enough; you find yourself too thin or too fat. Exercise, on the other hand, boring and depressing to start with, brings joy and satisfaction as you progress. I am starting to think how both of these activities can be combined to result in pure continuous pleasure and optimal use of time. What if the positive implications of both activities could be amplified, and the negative side-effects could cancel each other out, puffing up the joy?

One option for synthesizing both activities is to fuse shopping into exercise: shopping from your stair master, via TV or computer. Nah, not so attractive. How about an alternative strategy of exercising while you shop - the shoppercise activity! Let's look at shoppercise a bit closer. Notice that we already do plenty of strenuous muscle activity while shopping: walking for 2-3 hours, frequently with a heavy coat on you; stretching tall and bending when dressing and undressing multiple times; breathing deeply when hopelessly searching for a specific item; and raising your arms in an attempt to reach a high shelved box before the box's contents slide on to your head.

Sooo, all you need to do to participate in shoppercise is: put on your workout clothes. Have no guilt leaving the kids with your spouse. You are still going to strengthen your health so you can take better care of them. And go shopping being mindful of every muscle movement you make. At the entrance to the mall carefully rotate your neck a number of times to check all the store fronts and strengthen your neck muscles (10 calories gone). Skip the escalator and climb to the second floor, exercising your quadriceps (30 calories). Exhaust your triceps by reaching from far away positions to pick items from display tables (30 calories). To increase difficulty, put your hands behind your back, reaching down between the shoulder blades. Try not to get arrested reaching down for the counter in this position. Repeatedly lift any fallen hangers from the floor (or drop and pick) to exercise glutes and hamstrings (25 calories). Exercise deep breathing and stretch your stomach when squeezing yourself into a tight pair of jeans. Do not hesitate to try on 5-6 pairs: you can loose 50 calories. In the shoe section, take two UGG boots, one in each hand, and shrug your shoulders all the way up, then lower down, exercising the trapezius muscles of your back (15-20 calories, depending on UGG model). Explore all the mall corners. The more you walk, the more calories you loose: your weight x distance = calories lost. Do not forget to try straight ballerina posture each time you pass in front of a store mirror. You will feel satisfied and at least 500 calories and a number of new purchases happier.

And one more thing: I suggest that muscles should have more intuitive names – like the underwear styles in the Victoria's Secret catalog (boy shorts, angel bra, high rise, low rise, push up). Name them for what they do. How about: the sexy tank top muscles, the miniskirt muscles, the smooth butt muscle. If instead of hearing that gluteals are atrophying with age, we would hear about smooth butt muscles getting flabby – we would zip directly to the gym. Or the mall...

Top image from Flickr, distributed under CCL.

Wanna try something else from The Math Mom? Check this out: The Math of Ex.