Life Jokes Sweetened by Math

This is my assembly of jokes that arrived to me from various places on Earth and in different languages. I was carefully choosing life jokes that are sweetened by math rather than jokes about mathematicians or math ignorance. If you have anything to add - please add it in the comments below this post. 

The speed with which woman says nothing when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the anger that is coming.

I am not so good at "Scissors, paper, stone". Tried practicing in front of the mirror but it is very frustrating.

I bought pills for raising IQ, but couldn't figure out how to open the bottle.

A real optimist even at the cemetery sees pluses instead of crosses.



Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old woman. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They are knocked over, but continue to ask.

"So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age," Bob replies.

"What, did you tell her you were only 50?"

Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."

We, women, have the hardest time finding a job. Everyone wants to hire a 18-year old with a 30-year experience,  high education and grownup kids.

No, I am not so fat. My hubby says that I have a perfect figure.

Dear, but your hubby is a mathematician. For him, the perfect figure is a sphere! 

My wife has just two complaints: first, she has absolutely nothing to wear. And second, she's run out of closet space to keep it in.

 Bob bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, but I got some bad news. The donkey died.”

“Well then, just give me my money back.”

 “Can’t do that, I went and spent it already.”

 “OK then, just unload the donkey.”

 “What are you gonna do with him?”

 “I’m gonna raffle him off.”

 “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”

 “Sure, I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anyone he’s dead.”

 A month later the farmer met up with Bob and asked, “What happened with the dead donkey?”

 “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 a piece and made a profit of $898.”

 “Didn’t anyone complain?”

 “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”

Logical confusions:

Sign on an aircraft exit door: "If you cannot read these instructions, call a stewardess."

A fortune cookie note says: "Don't take advice from a fortune cookies."

And lastly: We do not stop laughing because we grow old,  we grow old because we stop laughing. 

So, Happy upcoming 2013 and much laughter for you all in it: with your friends, parents, spouse, kids, co-workers, TV, smartphone or radio. Do not miss any opportunity.

Top image by melthork, distributed under CCL.